The First Time I Met Jeremy

I was in my pajamas, wet hair from a shower, no make-up, slumped in a chair in a small room with sea-foam green colored walls in the annex building of a church in East Nashville. It was 8 o’clock on a Thursday night, and I needed a meeting.

This was my safe space. I’d been coming here for years. I could be my truest, most vulnerable self in this room. And on this particular winter evening in early 2017, I was feeling especially vulnerable. My longest relationship to-date had recently ended, and I was heartbroken. Devastated. Angry. Frustrated. Confused. And absolutely positive that I was going to die alone. I couldn’t even think about the future, about the possibility that I would ever be in a relationship again. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I just wanted to wallow, slump, cry, and grieve — in the safety of my beloved Thursday night meeting, with no distractions, no interruptions.

And then, in walked Jeremy.

Of course, I didn’t know his name was Jeremy at first. I didn’t know anything about him other than the fact that he was pretty damn adorable and pretty damn chipper, and not at all afraid to lock eyes with me when I briefly looked up from my depressive state. I felt a surge through my entire body when we first made eye contact. Not quite attraction. Not quite a thrill. No, it was something else. He seemed familiar, and it was unnerving. It was… irritating.

As the meeting started and we went around to say our names, I braced myself for when it would be his turn. I didn’t want to know his name. But when it got to him — “I’m Jeremy” — and he looked at me again, well, that was it. I was pissed.

Who WAS this guy? And how DARE he? This was MY meeting. MY safe space. The last thing I needed was for some good-looking cool guy with a big affable grin coming in here and ruining my grieving process. Him with his hipster hat, his man purse, his fashion shoes. Where was he going that night that warranted an outfit, anyway? Oh my god, is he going to start coming to this meeting? What am I going to do? I guess I have to find a new meeting? Should I just leave right now?

I shared in the meeting that night, but not in the way that I wanted to or needed to. As a recovering codependent, I knew I had to protect myself from this guy’s annoyingly handsome face, or I would be doomed. My guard went up. All the way up. I’m pretty sure I scurried out of that room as soon as the meeting was over that night. I could not bear the thought of having an interaction with a dude in that moment, or ever again for that matter. I hoped I never saw him again, this “Jeremy.”

But sure enough, there he was again, the following Thursday. This time, at least, I didn’t look like a drowned cat — but I was still furious. I was also nervous to see him, which only made me all the more angry. I avoided his eyes as much as I could. I tried to escape after the meeting, but this time we bumped into each other on the way out.

“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” he brazenly asked me.

Psht. Nice try. Um, no. You don’t know me.

“No, I don’t think so,” I begrudgingly replied.

“What’s your last name? I swear we’ve met before. You look so familiar!” he persisted.

I couldn’t believe the nerve. Um, hello? This is an ANONYMOUS fellowship. How dare you ask for my last name! “Saturday,” I mumbled. He said something else, but thankfully someone else stopped to talk to him, and I walked away as quickly as I could. I had never given anyone such a cold shoulder before! But something in me told me that now was not the time for Jeremy, and I listened.

Jeremy showed up at “my” meeting a few more times, and each time I felt some kind of dumb excited feeling in my stomach that quickly turned to extreme anger and frustration. I did not want to have to deal with this right now. I wanted to be in my misery and grief. And I needed to be in my misery and grief. It was vitally important that I not get distracted from honoring the journey I was on. It was my first break-up in recovery, and it was a profound, life-changing experience. I was not going to let anyone ruin it, not even this guy about whom I would have been super excited if the circumstances had been totally and completely different. Like, in another life.

I was glad when Jeremy finally disappeared back into thin air, the same way he appeared. After a handful of Thursdays, he never showed up at that meeting again. I was relieved. A tiny bit disappointed, but mostly relieved.

Now, looking back, I know that my higher power did all of that on purpose. I needed a little bread crumb of hope in the middle of that despair, even though I wasn’t ready for it yet. I needed that little wink of a reminder from the universe — hey, there is a whole wide world out there and it is full of strangers who might one day become main characters in the story of your life. Keep going, have faith, trust the process.

I wouldn’t see Jeremy again until several months later, under totally different circumstances. It would be autumn then, and my heart would be healing nicely, thanks to all that time alone and supported by my friends, all that time soul-searching and reconnecting to myself. Two weeks into trying a dating app for the first time, I would be sitting at dinner with three of my best friends, all of them married and living vicariously through my dating adventures. I would excitedly be telling them about how much fun I was having with dating and swiping and meeting new people. I would be showing them the app, explaining how it all worked, explaining how I paid for the add-on that showed me all the guys who had already swiped right on me. They would laugh at me because that is so something I would pay for. I would even let them swipe on a few guys for me!

As I put my phone away, I would sneak in just a couple more swipes — when suddenly, that annoyingly handsome face and that big affable grin would pop up on the screen. Time would stand still for a split second. I would look from his face to the name on his profile: Jeremy. I would get that same surge through my entire body, only this time, it would feel like a lightning bolt of adrenaline and excitement.

With shaking hands, I would swipe right, instantly matching us, and immediately send him a message.

“Hey, didn’t I see you at a meeting earlier this year?”

I already knew what his answer would be.